The Ad

Last week I was looking at the want ads on Craig's List (http://www.craigslist.org/) and I found one that has my imagination in over-drive. While I'm not interested in responding to the ad, I can't seem to let it go. I keep thinking about it and wondering what the heck...

I have talked about the ad with my husband, my friends and my family. After reiterating the ad quite a few times I've discovered that what makes the ad so questionable are some of the words used to describe the ideal candidate. Although my husband, friends and family all agree that the ad is odd, we do not agree on which words make it that way. And, it's worth noting that the words alone don't raise any flags, but when they are paired within a sentence or two, they seem to elicit something more sinister, kinky or abnormal.

The words: Open-minded, Unusual and Unique are very interesting and by themselves they bring forth good feelings. But when paired with $25.00 per hour, 4-5 hours, twice a month, I'm starting to think what kind of kink fest is this? At this point I am imagining a freaky old man who has a baby fetish and wants to wear diapers - Jerry Springer style.

The easy solution to this mystery would be to respond to the ad and request more information (as some of my friends have suggested), but in truth, I like the mystery of not knowing. Besides, if I did know, there's a chance that I would be greatly disappointed and perhaps a bit sheepish, plus I'd miss out on the entertainment value created by my over-active imagination.

So, without further adieu, here's the ad... you be the judge.

The Ad
I am looking for someone with the following traits for a unique in-home childcare/healthcare situation: ideal age of 45-60, intelligent, compassionate, open-minded, nursing or health care field a plus. The pay is negotiable but is around $25 per hour. This would be about 10 hours a month total, with the person coming to the home twice a month for about 4-5 hours each time. Please contact me if you have any of these traits and I will explain further what makes it so unusual and unique.
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Self Analysis

A little more than a year ago, I made a New Year's resolution that was the catalyst to this blog. More than 365 days have flown by and I only have 19 posts to show for it. That's a puny 1.58 posts per month. So naturally the lack of posts and the length of time between posts raises a few questions like, am I enjoying this experience or has it become a chore? Should I throw in the towel or change gears?

I'm feeling a little conflicted about whether or not I enjoy blogging. Writing is not a natural, effortless task for me and I find that it takes a lot of time to put something out there that is both enjoyable to read and well written - especially when I cannot commit to a few words, let alone an entire sentence. I spent half the day writing, reading, and rewriting before satisfying my inner critic and still, I probably won't hit the publish button until tomorrow. It's time for a little exercise in self analysis via an honest conversation with my inner psyche.

Question: Do you enjoy writing?
Id: Not really.
Ego: Yes.
Super Ego: That depends. Who is going to read what I write and will they criticize me? While Id is spontanious and Ego is proud, I'm restrained. I have to hold us back because I'm afraid of the truth. What if we have some misconceived notions about how well we write? Knowing the truth could bring us joy, or it could hurt. We may never know as long as I'm in charge...
Question: Id, why don't you enjoy writing?
Id: Writing something that is both enjoyable and well-organized takes a lot of concentrated thinking. Staying on topic is not in my nature. Also, Super Ego is over protective and won't let ID or Ego write what they want. Super Ego is a bit of a perfectionist and scrutinizes everything. What Super Ego fails to recognize is that a simple task becomes a chore when it requires more than 30 minutes of focused thought.
Question: Ego, why do you enjoy writing?
Ego: Because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. When we finally get to hit the publish button, you can believe that it's because we are all pleased with our work and we want to share it.

Today's Analysis:

• 'Id' likes instant gratification and has a difficult time when having to think for more than 30 minutes.


• 'Ego' doesn't mind thinking as long as it leads to a result.


• 'Super Ego' spends so much time editing that very little gets published.

Next Steps:

• Concentrate on one thing - either the story or the art. Forcing yourself to do both is a super ego stall tactic.


• Get a timer and only write for 30 minutes. Once the bell dings, hit the publish button.


• On the next day re-read your post and if super ego wants, let him edit, but only for 30 minutes or less.


• Do a follow-up post one month from now.

Happy Halloween

Don't ya just love Halloween? It's that special time of year when it's perfectly normal to go out in a Ninja Turtle costume and start kicking the crap out of a helpless Ghoul. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buPkcVORYpQ

Melon Heads

Everyone has had a Homer moment where Doh! is the first expression that comes to mind. But then there are those of us who have magnified Homer moments, something that I'll call a melon head minute for the purpose of this blog. A melon head minute is usually more embarrassing than a Homer moment and it quite frequently follows heavy drinking. It's nothing to be proud of, but it does lead to a good story or two. I have had my share of melon head minutes and a few of my friends continue to be practicing melon heads. We live, we learn, we repeat. We may not be the brightest in the room, but I can guarantee that we are having the most funN.

Homer Moment	Melon Head Minute
After taking a salty bite out of your homemade cookie you realize that you either confused teaspoons with tablespoons of salt or you used baking soda when the recipe called for baking powder.	You and your pals come home from a night out and decide to make some of those canned biscuits. Several hours pass and you are awakened by the blaring sound of a smoke detector. Your now well-done biscuits resemble little dollops of coal which can be used to power an entire city.
You realize that you just locked your keys in the car.	While pumping gas you frantically realize that you locked your keys, your cellphone and your 2 year old in the car.
You get halfway to work and realize that you forgot to buckle-up.	You get halfway home and as you glance in the rear view mirror you notice something odd about your toddler. He either grew a few inches in last 20 minutes or he's standing in his carseat!!
You take a friend on a boat ride and cause them to spill their drink when you suddenly engage the motor.	You put the boat into reverse and cause someone to nearly disembowel himself as he lands on top of a long neck bottle. (You heard it correctly… right up the pooper…)
After driving a few miles from home you realize that you forgot to pack your son’s diapers.	After driving a few hours from home you realize that you left your son’s entire suitcase next to the front door.
You accidentally let your grandson’s new pet lizard loose in the house.	You accidentally fry your son’s new pet lizard after putting its cage outside so that it could bask in the sunlight (no honey, it’s not dead… it’s just in shock…)
You fall asleep on the taxi ride home.	You (Delta Burke) and your sick friend (Tom Petty) pass-out in a parked taxi that you are convinced is a stretch limo. Once you wake you argue over whether it’s a taxi or a limo then realize that it doesn’t matter because it’s not going anywhere and you are miles from home. As you start walking the city streets in search of a pay phone you suddenly realize that it’s 6:00 AM, you have no cash and you are still dressed in your Halloween costumes…
You park your car in front of one of the many department stores at the mall. When you leave the mall, you can’t find your car and start to panic. Suddenly you realize that you are in front of the wrong department store.	You park your car in downtown Royal Oak, then after several drinks you decide to walk to a friends house. The next day you walk back to where you think your car is, but you cannot find it. When you finally do find it, you cannot get in it because your drunken friends who were sleeping in the taxi had your keys and they left them in the taxi…
You parked your newly washed car under a tree and the next day you find that the birds were using it for target practice.	You park your shiny black convertible on a steep incline and you neither leave it in gear nor engage the emergency brake. As you saunter toward the dock, you sense that something is following you. As you look over your shoulder, you see your car rolling slowly toward the boat ramp (thankfully you were quicker than that car … this time).
After leaving a restaurant you realize that you under tipped the server by a couple bucks.	You generously throw a 5-dollar bill into one of those group tip jars, and then suddenly realize that it was actually a 50.
You get on an elevator that is going up and you wanted to go down.	You, your friends and your entire luggage are crammed into a small hotel elevator that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You can see out, but the doors won’t open. Someone has to be called to get you out. The repair man arrives 20 minutes later and promptly gets the doors open, then he smugly points toward a sign next to the elevator that reads "The elevator is broken, sorry for any inconvenience." Too bad for you, that the sign was written in German.

Now That's Amusing

A couple of weeks ago I created the above smiley with nothing but my son's doodle pad and a simple pencil. In and of itself the smiley doesn't have any interesting story behind it; rather it was simply something that I did to amuse myself for a few hours.

It is a fact that what amuses one will certainly bore another to tears. Point in case, while I enjoyed the monotony of making the above smiley, my husband would have rather used the pencil to stab his eyes out. While we all share some basic concepts of what we find amusing (humor, music, literature, movies, baby animals, sports, games, food etc.) the degree of amusement varies once you break the surface.

I recently discovered that some of the odd things that amuse my little boy also amuse my husband, probably because it triggers a memory from his own strange boyhood.

Simple things, magical things and strange things easily entertain our son. While most things that he finds amusing are humorous to both my husband and I, the strange things tend to leave me feeling as if I'm not part of a super secret club. When something strange occurs, I nod my head and wonder "why?" Whereas my husband has a glint in his eye and a "knowing" nod that seems to be saying "ah yes, I remember doing that." For example, I went to empty the trash can in our powder room and noticed about an inch of yellow liquid pooling in the bottom of the liner. I knew what the liquid was without having to think too hard and I immediately went to talk to its source.

Me: "Have you been peeing in the trash can?"
Son: Says not a word, but guilt is written all over his face and he's looking down at his toes.
Me: "I asked you a question, have you been peeing in the trash can?"
Son: In his most quiet voice, "No..."
Me: "I know Daddy didn't do it and Riley (the dog) didn't do it, so who did it?"
Son: Still looking down, but now he's fidgeting, "It must have been the cats."
Me: "I know the cats didn't do it. Who do you think did it?"
Son: No Response
Me: Growing impatient, "It's not nice to lie. Why did you pee in the trash can?"
Son: No Response
Me: "Have you been peeing in any other trash cans?"
Son: "Well.... when I was in timeout I may have..." he had stopped talking, but his eyes told the rest of the story as they moved toward the little blue bucket next to his dresser.
Me: Walking over to the bucket and discovering dried pee at the bottom I said again, "Why are you peeing in the trash cans?"
Son: Giving me direct eye contact and trying to sound matter of fact, "I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't think you would let me out of time out... so I went in the trash can."
Me: "What? That's disgusting, I would never keep you from going to the bathroom?" I then left his room to check the trash can in the upstairs bath and shouted, "Oh Gross" as I recognize the tell tale signs of urine at the bottom of the can. I am now exasperated to the point that I need to pull my husband away from his movie and ask him to speak to his son.
Husband: In his stern father voice says, "Why have you been peeing in the trash can?"
Son: "I don't know."
Husband: "That's not an answer. You can stay in timeout and think about it some more."

After 10 minutes and three attempts, my husband came to find me and as he recounted the reason our son was peeing in the trash cans, I swear I saw a glint in his eye and perhaps a trace of a nod.

Husband: "Why have you been peeing in the trash can?"
Son: "Well, um, I thought it seemed like it would be sort of fun."
Husband: “Now that’s a reasonable answer. Just don’t do it again.”

Signs, Signs...

Last week my Family and I took a road trip from South Carolina to Michigan. We traveled through 7 states in less than 24 hours and as our son watched Peter Pan for the 3rd time in a row, my husband and I chatted about various things, including some of the usual and the not so usual road signs that litter the highway. After 7 days, we made the return trip to South Carolina and I think we are all pretty pooped mentally and physically. I don't have the will power to write a story today, but I did create a smiley using some of the content taken from the numerous signs that I saw while traveling. ~ Enjoy ~

For Beavis - Yes, yes, fire, fire, fire

Do campfires bring out the pyro in everyone or is it just me? Isn't it unnatural to sit around a campfire and not poke and prod it with a firestick? (firestick: a stick deemed worthy of poking, prodding and/or stirring a fire.)

Not always the brainiac, I once fell into a campfire while poking at it, but that's another story... I'll just say it was my bachelorette party and I did not get burned, but I did get some pretty bad bruises.

This charred beauty was made while camping with friends sometime in May. Although it may not look like it, we had a torrent of rain that weekend, so we only had one puny campfire before the monsoon hit. As you can probably tell, I doctored the image by placing a black outline around the chunks of burned wood. I know, I know - doctoring the image makes it lame... but I don't have any more smiley images at this point in time, so it's this or nothing.

Camp Rain-A-Lot

Just before Memorial weekend, my family and some friends went on a short camping trip at Table Rock, SC. All week before the trip, the forecast called for rain, and as the weekend approached, my excitement turned to dread. Our friends said "Don't worry, we have tarps and if it rains, it will still be fun." So with the fun-factor clarified, I dutifully packed everything necessary to live outside for the weekend and tried to look on the brighter side.

We arrived at the park near dusk, setup our smallish tent then began to cook our tinfoil wrapped dinner. After dinner we grouped around the campfire and toasted (burned) some marshmallows, and for 30 minutes or so it seemed that everything would be hunky dory.

As it began to sprinkle we folded our chairs and put them in the car to stay dry, then we made our way to our smallish tent with its queen size mattress, 2 adult sleeping bags, one pint size bag, and one largish damp dog.

At first the sound of tiny raindrops pitter-pattering against the tent was very soothing. It could be compared to an international coffee commercial, where little things like a crummy cup of coffee make you feel all warm and cozy inside. Personally, the rain lulling me to sleep is much better than sickly sweet coffee, but who am I? "I'm Johnny Cochran in a knit cap..." (I couldn't resist...)

As I tossed and turned again and again, I noticed that the raindrops seemed to be larger and falling at a much faster pace. Within minutes it had gone from a lite shower to a heavy downpour. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. Once while trying to find the evasive comfy spot, I bumped the side of the tent and with that I became preoccupied with how wet I was going to be if I did it again.

At some point during the night I had to go to the bathroom, but I ignored the urge for hours because If I didn't, that would mean I'd have to go out and risk getting soaked to the bone. At sunrise I felt damp (from the humidity, not pee...), uncomfortable and sleep-deprived, but the rain had slowed so I bolted toward the community bathroom, or maybe it was the woods... Anyway, while walking back toward the tent, I noticed that our friends were up and about and soon learned that they too had a bad night. While they had the comfort of a pop-up, it had sprung a leak and soaked their mattress.

After some hot coffee and a tasty breakfast we set about making a shelter with the "tarps" that our friends had mentioned. Our spirits lifted as the rain slowed then stopped and we took that as a sign to go on a short hike. While walking, we found a pavilion that boyscouts and other campers use on organized trips. The pavilion was locked, but it had a large veranda and we half joked about moving our tent / pop-up to the porch. As we strolled back to our camp, it started to rain again but thankfully, the deluge didn't inundate us until after we were under the sacred tarps that were sure to keep things fun.

It rained torrentially for the rest of the morning and spending the day under the tarps (or in our cars) was becoming inevitable. It was nearly impossible to keep ourselves, 3 small children and 1 largish dog from getting wet. Fortunately, our friends had a couple of portable heaters that helped to dry little socks and dog fur. As the kids colored we ate, drank and talked, but mostly we sat there and tried to keep our sense of humor.

The words "It will still be fun" echoed in my ears and I have to admit that constantly rearranging tarps to account for leaks and emptying the large pools of water that collected was a little entertaining, but mostly in that I'm so bored I could pick a scab sort of way. We were all starting to get a little edgy around 3:00 Pm and by 3:30 we decided to leave no matter what. Then as if on queue, the heavens parted and gave us one last dry spell to pack-up our possessions as quickly as possible.

While this trip won't go down as one of my most fun outdoor experiences, it was not a complete failure. Being trapped under a tarp for several hours lead to decent conversations, good eat'n and during one dry spell, I was able to entertain the kids by getting them to help me find acorns and pine cones to make this rain-drenched smiley.

Nature's Art

A few months ago, I went to look at the smiley that I'd previously made from field stones. To my surprise, I could no longer see the stone smiley because the grass in and around it had grown to nearly 4 feet tall. Anyway, I'm fascinated with the symmetry that can be seen in nature, and I picked a bunch of the grass specifically the stalks, thinking that it would make an interesting smiley.

Besides stalks of wheat or grass, some of my other favorite things to look at are: turtle shells, octopus tentacles (the suckers are so cool), a multi layered zinnia, sea urchins, the inside of a kiwi (the fruit, not the New Zealander) fish scales, and fiddlehead ferns.

Procrastination & Such

My digital camera has recently started to beep frantically and display a rotten E18 error which has prevented me from being able to take new pictures or download old images. This annoying snafu has kept me from experiencing my full creative potential over the last month (or so) but more importantly, it has kept my audience (1.4 readers) from being able to enjoy some entertaining banter.

Actually, that's a load of crap. While I am getting a E18 error and it is causing a problem, I do happen to have a couple images reserved on my hard drive and I could have used them, but I didn't. Why? Because I'm a tad uninspired and I'm blaming it on the heat.

It's basically summertime in the South and the temperatures are soring. The conditions are ripe for a computer virus and I've been infected. After sitting in front of my computer for more than a few minutes, my eyes glaze over and I start thinking about other chores that I could be doing. My priorities have become loopy and the next thing you know, I'm outside picking Japanese Beetles off my trees and shrubs (then stomping on them or throwing them into a soapy water grave). When I'm not killing beetles, I can be found weed whipping (my yard is too small to mow), hunting toads with my son, or swimming in the pool. So you see with all this outdoor activity, I'm much too busy to be blogging.

OK - I've dished up another plate of stink. Enough is enough - It's time for a post, even if the content doesn't go with the image. Today's post is dedicated to procrastination and a meaningless smiley made from Easter candy.