The Kirby Experience

A crew of Kirby salespeople interrupted my lunch today. and just in case you don't know what Kirby salespeople sell, lemme tell ya… They push vacuums… expensive vacuums … to the tone of two sucking grand. Their salespeople will tell you that they are more than a vacuum, they are an entire cleaning system, but let’s face it, it’s mainly a vacuum and at two grand a pop, it should come with a key, a cup holder and free oil changes.

It all began when two women arrived at my door from out of the blue. I was immediately suspicious of them, but when they gave me a roll of paper towel for free, I let my guard down. Who could blame me, it was Bounty after all, and I swear it was only for 20 seconds.

As it turned out, the length of time did not matter because they were charlatans with expertise in all the 'foot in the door' tricks. Their slight of hand illusion had left me dumbfounded and before I fully understood what was going on, they were in my living room calling their posse on speed dial. “This is Marie1 to Donny1, the fish is in the net. We have been given an all clear to bring in the system. I repeat, bring in the Kirby.”

Suddenly two men surfaced out of nowhere and like a swat team with weapons pulled, they moved through my living room with purpose. It was with great enthusiasm that they assembled hoses with elbows and nozzles and filters, and it was not long before this pile of unknown stuff started to resemble a shiny aluminum alloy cleaning system. The flurry of activity must have been a cue for the women to leave and within seconds, they were gone just as quickly and silently as they had arrived. Those shifty tarts had duped me then left me alone with Cousin Cletus and Uncle Fester. Could this annoying experience get any worse?

I patiently sat through the explanation of the Kirby’s main components and countless configuration options. Over 30 minutes had passed and the real demonstration had not yet begun. At about this point, I stopped being annoyed and started to relax, for I knew that after a little suffering, it would be me who would get the last laugh.

The Kirby wonder vac 2000 must have over a hundred uses and Cousin Cletus was intent on showing me every dern one. He mentioned that the on/off switch had a warranty of something like a bazillion clicks, which was good for them considering the amount of times he turned it on/off. Cousin Cletus admitted that as part of his demo, he needed to have 50 used filters on display. So after vacuuming a few seconds he would turn the machine off then change the demo filter, then turn it back on again, and again, and again...

This must have gone on for another thirty minutes or so as he vacuumed one 2’ x 3’ area of my carpet. Several demo filters and many carpet fibers later I said, “ya know… I’m not going to buy this thing.” Which is when he insisted on demonstrating the carpet washer / scotch guardy thingy. After another 15 minutes I chirped sweetly, “This is really nice, but does it come in light blue?” With that said, we all understood that no deals would be made and within minutes the rest of my carpet was vacuumed and washed without conversation.

As Cousin Cletus and Uncle Fester repackaged the many components, I tried to soften the rejection by asking to keep the piles of used filters to show my husband how well it sucked. Sensing another foot in the door opportunity, they were only too happy to comply. Then with shoulders slumped and head lowered, Uncle Fester asked to use the phone to call-in the posse. It was time to let them know that the fish had left the net. “Marie1? Ya, this is Donny2, all systems are down and we are ready to leave the building.”

So - even though I sat through a really boring and lengthy demo with a couple of oddballs, patience paid off in the end. My carpet was vacuumed and washed at no cost or labor to me, plus I have a free roll of Bounty, and I have a nice smiley to boot. Thanks Kirby.